We went to a wedding over the weekend, an event uniting two people in their 80s, both of them grandparents. I gave a toast to their happiness, since that is entirely what the whole thing is about. Nothing else matters.
Our culture has a tough time with remarriage; we struggle with the idea of loving more than one person in a lifetime. I suppose that has logical roots, since society has an interest in monogamy, at least for the sake of raising kids.
We exalt the concept of the soulmate, the one true love, the uniting of two hearts into one, forever and ever, amen. To go on after that, to find love again, to exchange vows a second time, or a third, invites questions, creates problems, requires explanation.
The wedding I’m referring to handled that all quite elegantly, lighting candles to remember two previous spouses, both now gone. The minister talked about the power of love to bring together, which was entirely appropriate. She talked about exalting two families, not a forced blending into one. Marriage involves lots of people, she said.
All true. Angie and I have both been through divorce and remarriage, and our situation involved seven kids, nearly all of them at home. Lots of tough questions.
One really tough one at the heart of it: If I had recited vows before, how could Angie trust the vows I exchanged with her? She’s my person, my soulmate. I love her. I tell her that, and I try to show her that every day. I trust her completely; we have built a big blended family that revolves around her. Everybody has come to accept that; many of us celebrate it. Not just tough questions; also many beautiful answers.
But, again, our culture does not easily accept this. Rom-coms, ballads, Shakespearean sonnets — they generally don’t start from the premise of a second marriage. When Romeo pondered the light breaking through yonder window, we weren’t left to wonder if it was a metaphor for Juliet or his ex.
Romantic love, marital love, love that brings us to the altar, is inherently exclusive. You, and nobody else, forever. That’s the deal, and that’s as it should be. Anything else is, well, uncomfortable at best. Lots of questions.
Only thing I’ve learned, as life has unfolded, is that none of us is in position to look down our noses at other people’s choices when it comes to love. That’s why my toast was about happiness for the newly married couple. If they make each other happy, what else is there?
